When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
