remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Randomize
