I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The dick lei will go down in squad history
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
