The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
