Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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