if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
