I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
