I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My life is pants optional.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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