If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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