i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I am spending my child support on dildos
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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