Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
