So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
