He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
