Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
