I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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