so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
