turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
