dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
