Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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