i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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