Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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