You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
