I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
