It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
