I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
