i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
