I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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