i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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