If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
