just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
