Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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