____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon