I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
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You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
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It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights