remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"