My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
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