If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
