When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
