We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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