If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
