NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
50% drunk capacity currently
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
