Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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