dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
