Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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