i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Did I show you my penis last night?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Randomize
