PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
