True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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