I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
