Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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