I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
