Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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