you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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