he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
