i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
