Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
