then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
