is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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