I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
