I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
