so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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