I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just found puke in my bra..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
