He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
