im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
