You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
