i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
