I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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