I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
